This summer was hot in more ways than one: whether you were shading yourself from the record heat waves (thanks Global Warming) or strutting your stuff post-vax and wax (did someone say hot girl summer?), a delicious ice-cold alcoholic drink was (and still is) exactly what was called for in these wildly uncertain times.
When packing up your cooler to head to your Uncle’s backyard BBQ, don’t forget to grab a few extra masks, some hand sanitizer, SPF100 sunscreen, and at least a few dozen canned adult beverages. Within the past few years hard seltzers have taken the market by storm, being that they are fizzy, fruity, and chuggable, they quickly became the drink of choice for many on-the-go partiers.
As popular as hard seltzers have become, and as many as I have consumed on a hot summer’s day, the same thought always finds its way into the back of my mind. As the bubbly liquid burns the back of my throat and the saccharine sweetness coats my mouth in an off-putting aftertaste, all I can seem to think is “these taste so horrible” as my stomach churns in an acidic explosion from the artificial sweeteners, cheap malt liquor and overly carbonated soda water. And I pause because I have to ask myself “Why?” What happened in the evolution of our drinking culture that took us away from the expertly crafted traditions of wine, beer, and cocktails, and over into the hell-pit that is raspberry-lemonade spiked trash water?
So, here’s my hot take, and I’m just going to come right out and say it, “All Hard Seltzers Suck.”
That’s it, They suck. They are weird tasting, they give me a stomach ache, they don’t quench my thirst, they leave a bad taste in my mouth and they give me a worse hangover than a Las Vegas Bachelor party. After two hard seltzers and I’m ready to call an Uber home just from the bloating alone.
I know what you’re thinking, “But what am I supposed to drink to fuel my Hot Girl, Fboy, Waxed and Vaxed, The World Is Crumbling Around Us, End of 2021 Vibe?!”
My answer—Literally anything else. But, if you would like some suggestions, here are 5 ready-to-drink, on-the-go, canned, or bottled alcoholic beverages that don’t totally suck.
- Cutwater Cocktails–Tequila Margarita
Made from 100% blue agave, and simple fresh ingredients, this cocktail in a can is delicious and clean tasting.
- Bev California Sparkling Rose Wine
It’s dry, a little fizzy and perfectly fulfills your “Rose all day” weekend mantra.
- High Noon Pineapple Vodka Soda
Real fruit juice makes this vodka soda taste as you ordered it from the bar, a refreshingly simple cocktail.
- The Finnish Long Drink – Gin and Grapefruit
Originating in Helsinki during the 1952 summer games, this delicious blend of grapefruit and gin is a deliciously refreshing treat.
- Son of Man Sagrado – Basque Style Cider
Elevate your Sunday Funday with a bottle of Basque-style cider, with a dry fermentation process. It’s not sickly sweet like other ciders, it sips like a glass of dry wine and has a natural light fizz that is delightfully refreshing.
So, next time you’re invited to a party or head out with friends for some daytime boozing, skip the White Claws and bring some class and taste back to this God-forsaken world. Pick up one of these delicious ready-to-drink alcoholic bevy’s (or really anything else) because we all have to collectively face the facts, hard seltzers have got to go.
