What Your Coffee Says About You

by Maja Tarateta

Magazine Issue: U.S. Vol. 5.1

I’m in line at the café to order my usual “large coffee with skim,” and every person in front of me says the same thing: “Large with skim,” “Large with skim,” “Large with skim”… As my turn approaches, I panickly wonder if I should change my order to a cappuccino, if only to alleviate the appearance of following the herd. But from my lips too spill forth, “Large with skim.” I sigh, only partly with relief. As I look at the young women crowding the counter with their large skim coffees, a question arises to replace the dread in my head: is it possible that we all share some common personality trait that leads us to order the same coffeehouse beverage?

I now believe we do. In fact, I’ve put together this handy-dandy guide to what your favorite coffee drink reveals about you. Or what the coffee you order says about you on that particular day, if you’re prone to change your choice. This is based on real science that I learned in the abnormal psych class I took my freshman year of college, and on seven years of anecdotal and observational evidence gleaned from habitually hanging in coffeehouses across the United States.

Regular coffee, black: you’re a very direct, no-nonsense kinda person. You prefer to experience life in its truest form. You care less about fads and more about integrity.

Regular coffee, light (that’s sugar and cream, for those of you outside New York City): you’re a dreamer whose feet don’t touch the (coffee) ground(s). You believe people are generally good. You seek beauty and a bright (sweet?) side to every situation.

Espresso, short (ristretto): you’re very headstrong; a clear thinker who knows what you want and goes for it. Some people say you rush into things, but you’ve got a plan and won’t be swayed.

Espresso, long (lungo): same as above but you take a little longer to get what you want.

Grande decaf coffee: the head says, “Go out and get ’em!” The body doesn’t respond. You often feel torn between doing what you want and what others want of you. If you take your decaf with sugar and cream, the head doesn’t even say, “Go get ’em!” The head says, “Relax, be cool, things will go your way…” The body says, “Okay.”

Latte: you sometimes feel like Peter Pan — you long to return to your simpler childhood days, when a fun time meant picking out your Trapper Keeper for the next school year.

Cappuccino: if you consume this drink in the morning, you’re an authentic person who likes to relax and enjoy all the ups and downs life tosses your way. If you down this after dinner, you strive for truth, which sometimes eludes you and gets distorted along the way. For a life change, switch to espresso or regular coffee after your evening meal.

Chai latte: you often feel reticent to decide. Stay or go? Do or die? Coffee or tea? It’s all too much for you! You find yourself carefully tiptoeing across life’s tightrope, trying not to be swayed one way or another, but taking the middle road to keep yourself and those around you happy. You try to stay neutral, especially when it comes to dinner table discussions between Grandpa Joe and Uncle Bob.

Hot chocolate: there’s something missing in your life that leads you to seek warm, delectable chocolate sweetness in a cup. The Aztecs, after all, considered chocolate an aphrodisiac and an aid to spiritual development. If you order your hot choc with whipped cream, you’re really in trouble!

Any drink made with skim milk (or “no foam”): you feel better about yourself if you deny yourself even the simple pleasure of creamy milk or a foam-coated upper lip. But there’s still hope for you…unless you opt for artificial sweetener, too.

Hopefully this study will enable café goers to alter their lives simply by their beverage choices. It’s also my desire that these theories will help people begin to understand each other, at least while in line at the café. When the pushy bow-tied broker before you orders a skinny no-foam latte, you’ll now know what lurks in his deep unconscious. You’ll know his psyche’s secrets. And be privy to his private shortcomings.